Things to do when a Loved One has an Addiction
Remember that addiction has hijacked your loved one's brain, and thus their personality This is why they're stealing from you. This is why they're committing crimes. This is why they continue to use despite so many terrible consequences. This is why their next high appears more important than those they love and those who love them. This is why there are only glimpses of the person you used to know. Understand that part of your anger toward your loved one is actually grief. You simply miss them.
Seek treatment. Explore treatment options. Ask the right questions (see Finding the Best Treatment). When a window of opportunity arises and your loved one is willing to consider treatment, be prepared to make a phone call immediately before that window closes.
Give yourself permission to struggle with your decisions. Do I turn my son in to the police? Should I kick my daughter out of the home? Should I pay for treatment again? Often times doing what is best for your loved one seems counterintuitive to your paternal instincts to protect and love your child. Although friends and family members will be quick to tell you what you should do, it is much different when you are actually in the situation rather than watching from the sidelines. However, you don't have to make these decisions alone. Talk with a professional who will help you sort through your options and their potential consequences. What is most important is that you make decisions you can live with regardless of what happens.
Understand that relapse is part of treatment. And because of that, it's like walking a tightrope to find the balance between hope and fear. Think of it as similar to the treatment for cancer. If it's caught early, then maybe a single episode of treatment can eradicate the disease. But if the disease is more advanced, then there may need to be multiple treatments and, even after a period of remission, a recurrence of the disease is still a concern. Treatment for addiction, however, always strengthens the body and the mind, and never weakens it.
Get involved with treatment. Addiction affects every family member differently and, tragically, can tear relationships apart. If you love someone who has an addiction, you are likely living in fear. You, or others in your family, may be experiencing episodes of depression or anxiety. Furthermore, different coping styles as well as different beliefs about how to handle the situation can strain partnerships and marriages. Even if your loved one is not involved in treatment, and perhaps especially if they are not, be sure that you are doing the right things, the healthy things, to take care of yourself and your family.
Don't punish yourself for not having seen it right away. There are reasons we don't necessarily become aware of a loved one's addiction until it is firmly entrenched. Some people can simply fly under the radar for a long period of time. Of those that don't, the initial changes are so gradual, the initial symptoms so subtle, that there are a dozen other explanations for their behavior. These explanations are so valid, they seem the logical conclusion. Furthermore, when we talk with our loved ones about our concerns, they give us those dozen other explanations. They tell us not to worry. They tell us it's nothing serious. It's temporary. Just stress. Or just a normal part of adolescence. And though we may have nagging doubts, we believe them. We believe them because at the time there is as much evidence, if not more, that it's not an addiction as there is evidence that it is. Believing them, by the way, is what we do for people we love - we trust them and have faith in them - it is the cornerstone of intimate and loving relationships. So, of course you didn't see it right away. It may seem clear in hindsight, but it is often the case that in the early stages of addiction, there is simply no way you could have known.
Don't blame yourself. Everyone can make improvements as a parent, a friend or a relative. Looking at the way you have fulfilled these roles with an eye toward making changes in the future is a healthy thing. Continually blaming yourself is not. We don't yet completely understand why some people are more vulnerable to addiction than others. We do understand, however, that despite our best efforts, people from healthy homes can still develop an addiction.
Fight the stigma. Addiction does not arise because of a moral weakness or a lack of character. Whether it is remaining silently resolved in your beliefs, or correcting a friend's or family member's erroneous beliefs, or testifying to the legislature for parity in insurance coverage for treatment, fight the stigma.
Realize there are things you can do. One of most terrible feelings to experience is helplessness. It is unlikely you're going to be able to "cure" your loved one of an addiction. And, unless the loved one is a minor, you can't force them into treatment. But you can become educated. You can think differently about addiction. You can make decisions that, while they will not necessarily feel comfortable, will seem right. You can provide support while maintaining boundaries. And you can love them.
